dhamma – dham·ma – /ˈdämə/ : truth, nature, law, phenomena, contents
Call me Bradley. Much of my life has led to this next step to share and contribute to the burgeoning yet ancient practice of understanding my true nature in raw nature; our dhamma within dhamma. Themes such as experiential learning, wilderness savvy, meditation, friendship, service, communication, open-mindedness, and awakening are all weaved throughout this extensive introduction.
youthful beginnings
Scout outings were the genesis of my love for the backcountry. At twelve years old, I attended my first extended backpacking trip to the Boy Scouts of America’s mecca: Philmont Scout Ranch. During the 12-day/65-mile sojourn, I experienced many new challenges such as consistent physical pain, vulnerability to peers, and exposure to harsh climate. One night, while camped on a grassy plateau, a violent storm ripped through camp. Amidst a torrential downpour and blasting wind, peppered with blinding lightning and thunder cracks, the troop scrambled to recollect strewn gear and rain flys. We survived the ordeal, gained an appreciation for the exposing power of the wilderness, and grew closer as a troop through common hardship. Nature earned my respect. That was that.
In addition to outdoorsmanship, scouts encouraged community service. I gave service often and for my final eagle project, I organized the troop to overhaul and organize a food pantry in disarray at a child crisis center. I grew up with an abundance of privilege and I realized that helping others nourishes my heart. At fourteen years old, I was awarded the eagle scout honor. To this day, the scout oath still resonates with me: ‘…to help other people at all times, to keep myself physically strong, mentally awake, and morally straight.’
In primary school, I was shaken when I extemporaneously developed a rare fluency in backward speech, allowing me to instantly translate words and sentences phonetically backwards. While it was a wonderful party trick, I lost control of the ability and my mind spun in the wrong direction! I was mentally tortured by the choiceless translations until they finally abated only after crying myself to sleep. The nuances of being mentally awake eluded me, and my respect for the mind was firmly in place. Having been deeply impacted by both the mind and wilderness early in life, they were bound to re-emerge and were perhaps connected in some unseen way.
exploring the edges
Enter psychedelics and drastic post-graduation lifestyle changes that freed my time, cleaned my mind and body, and sorted out my relationships. On weekend backpacking trips, I’d take a friend or two with enough mushrooms to make Super Mario jealous on a mini-pilgrimage. On mushrooms my perceptions of reality, values, and goals dissolved and cleared space for something intuitively meaningful and right. Mushrooms were a tool for me to learn and meditate. Consequently, my paradigms unglued and my mind recontextualized to fit a wider lens of reality. Under the starry sky, the past and future collapsed into the present – crude desires for material wealth and fame morphed into generosity and love. I experienced the moment, stripped of time and talk, and was inundated with all-too-transitory insights and peace. The pyrotechnics were powerful too. I commanded lightning on the plains of Oklahoma. I listened to a divine concerto synthesizing birdsong and James Zabiela next to the Colorado River. I froze watching an alien pair of eyes glare at me on the stepped lands of Pedernales Falls, Texas. I died at Enchanted Rock. These mini pilgrimages were eye-opening and at the same time, ephemeral. Intuitive insights burst like popcorn in my mind only to be forgotten the next day or so. Through these experiences, I knew there was much more to life than I could think or touch, and as a result, took the concept of enlightenment more seriously.
I went to many extremes in the process of searching for meaning and vitality. I ate raw food for six months, chewing more greens than a starved gorilla. I fasted for ten days at a time until my colon sparkled. I made lengthy recordings to hypnotize my mind in hopes it would shut-up! Finally, I traveled the earth further and further from home in search of an experience I couldn’t even articulate. My personal process was akin to cannon-balling into the deep end of the pool, blindfolded, and without concern for who I splashed or who felt the ripples of my wake. Thankfully, I’d eventually remove the blindfold and learn to swan dive gracefully. I still cannonball from time to time though!
stumbling southbound
My travels brought me to South America where I stayed with a native Peruvian Matses family in an exceptionally remote area of the Amazon jungle to participate in four Ayahuasca ceremonies over a fortnight, among other bizarrely natural medicines. Ayahuasca is a potent plant medicine containing dimethyltryptamine, the same hormone purported to be released at the time of death that has profound effects on the psyche. Were psychedelics the means to my enlightenment? If they were, Ayahuasca, the queen of entheogens, would surely unlock the kingdom within! During my fourth and final ceremony, a resounding realization surfaced: ‘Nothing external will bring you peace, Bradley.’ Disillusioned that I didn’t experience the enlightenment I came for, yet invigorated by a momentous insight—‘Everything is inside, dummy!’—I left the jungle and ventured to Patagonia to learn about service, community, backcountry love, and how to go inside.
patabronia
I planted in southern Chile for thirteen months where I volunteered at a backpacker’s hostel in exchange for room and board. There, I helped with daily operations and interacted with a diverse body of seekers. I realized how important listening is for robust communication, here-ing countless perspectives to see the truth from many angles. I spent my off-time integrating with the native community, backpacking through various wilderness areas, volunteering at the local high school, and hiking throughout Patagonia’s most beloved parks including Torres del Paine and Los Glaciares. Life is a string of opportunities and I took advantage of the idyllic circumstances to explore new territory, inside and out.
One fortuitous morning, a dutchman introduced me to The Presence Process by Michael Brown; a book and ten-week meditation regimen. I devoured every word and completed the process four times. It was my first crawl into daily sitting practice and it called for awareness of breath coupled with a mantra. I grew immensely from the discipline—the interpersonal mechanics of triggers and mirrors clarified, and my breath anchored me when my triggers were pulled and I wanted to shatter the mirrors.
In South America, I travelled from the high Andes of Peru to the antarctic microclimates of Isla Navarino, and back north to the sleepy coastline of Uruguay. Meditation, communication, and sparsely-manned nature braided through my life and brought me closer to what I yearned to be—an actualized individual useful to the world. My time in South America taught me many lessons, not the least of which were the-only-way-out-is-through, and to continue following the breadcrumbs my intuition sprinkled in front of me.
new ventures, yet still lost
Returning home with austral momentum, I was ready to test my grit further in North America. In April of 2015, I embarked on a watershed journey to tramp the Pacific Crest Trail (PCT). The PCT is 2,600+ miles of contiguous trail that rides ridgelines, bags peaks, and pierces quaint mountain towns, stretching from the Mexico-California border to the Washington-Canada border. Hiking the PCT is simultaneously joining an eclectic faction of pilgrims in which everyone’s apparent differences were dwarfed by their parallels—momentum to reach a common goal and an almost unbearable amount of suffering. In fact, the more aware I was of my suffering, the more compassion I felt for others with their unique yet similar plight.
The PCT taught me the insurmountable strength of interdependence and that a mind can govern a body totally. The trail battered me, yet I continued hiking in spite of my ever-resisting flesh and bones. Nature exposed me and I found strength in numbers. My hiking partner and I joined different tribes along the path and happily shared what little we had. A typical eve round the campfire involved recollecting the day’s highlights, voicing tomorrow’s concerns, feasting on a potluck dinner, and sometimes baking fresh ‘bush bread’; my kind of evening under the stars.
Hiking for many hours a day opened space to contemplate on a grander scale. Paradoxical platitudes lived simultaneously within me. Every step was deeply significant and utterly inconsequential. Breathtaking moments like summiting Mount Shasta and sharing silence with a massive bull elk were equal to arduous trials such as hiking over fifty miles in one day and battling hypothermia in the Northern Cascades. Peaks and valleys revealed themselves as two halves of the same whole. The best strategy was to show-up and accept it all with an open heart.
finding the path inward
Shortly after finishing the PCT and reaching Canada, I broke from travelling to focus more seriously on transforming myself through meditation, volunteership, and friendship. In January of 2016, I began giving service and participating in silent retreats at the Southeast Vipassana Center (SEVC), a donation-based non-profit that offers 10-day meditation courses in rural Southeast Georgia. The type of Vipassana taught at SEVC is grounded in experiencing the inconstancy of bodily sensations and breath, with equanimity.
As a long-term server at SEVC, I assisted with center operations and sat courses too. I worked diligently to experientially understand the dhamma (nature of reality) and cultivate virtue while sharpening my mind and opening my heart. My days were filled giving service, meditating, befriending fellow do-gooders, and soaking in the Georgia pines. The equanimity I developed sitting transferred to serving, and I trended toward tolerance, humility, generosity, and compassion. Every day was a new opportunity to grow and it mattered little if I scrubbed pots or mediated a sensitive situation. My sacred question was: ‘How can I be a more finely tuned instrument for nature to flow through me?’ Experiencing change within the framework of my body was my sacred answer. Everything was in flux and flow. Why grab at this? Why push away from that? I was learning to get out of my own way and let my tensions dissolve on their own.
becoming response-able
After ten months, I became one of the center managers and experienced the most accelerated internal growth spurt of my thirty revolutions around the sun. I welcomed the managerial pressure and saw the diamonded results. I felt awkward at first, speaking publicly and keeping track of innumerable systems, but I grew more confident in my voice and excelled at prioritization. As a manager, I lived in the intentional community next door to SEVC, aptly named the Second Nature Land Cooperative. I reaped the rewards of communal living including deeper connections, access to elders, and diverse perspectives, only after facing intimate fears such as vulnerability, surrendering to elders, and relinquishing my own views. It was another game of triggers and mirrors, except this time the safety was on and I polished the mirrors. A friend and I started a study group at the co-op that met monthly to study Marshall Rosenberg’s magnum opus, Nonviolent Communication—a vulnerable communication style that emphasizes objectivity, emotions, universal needs, and requests.
eating fruit and planting seeds
As I write this, I’ve recently left SEVC to journey out into the world. It’s hard to recognize the Bradley I was prior to arriving, much less the boy I once was from so many years ago. I’ve juggled the gross and subtle needs of an expanding organization, personal relationships, and my mind and body. It’s been an exacting process that’s expanded my edges and shaved off excesses. Thousands of hours on the meditation cushion have cleared so much delusion, hatred, and craving. My meditation practice is the cornerstone of my life. My friendships are deep and meaningful. My thoughts are focused and creative. My words are clear and heartened. My actions are purposeful and intuitive. My relationship with my parents is loving and mutual. My life is disciplined and flexible. I’ve learned to be useful to fellow beings. What could be more useful than serving others on their hero’s journey?
Even though I’m more aligned than ever before, there’s still plenty of work to be done. I struggle significantly and am keenly aware of qualities I can improve. Anger, greed, and doubt still bubble beneath the surface. They are the wolves I starve and am largely successful at doing so because of the support that surrounds me. Strangers, friends, and family help shape the man I’m continually becoming. They inspire me to focus on what serves me, pass time more skilfully, and speak when silence is a lie. Like stones in a bag, we collide often, and consequently polish each other to shine brighter. I’m eager to share on this blog and connect and learn from you.
I envision a future in which I contribute to the ongoing maturation of humanity and explore the edges of human flourishing in wild and urban settings; and leap beyond them! I trust the details will reveal themselves, as they always have. I’ll continue to move forward with a balanced mind and walk with humble confidence into a life of service and profound love, cultivating the virtues necessary until the time ripens to experience Nibbāna (Kingdom of Heaven).
The Dhamma Diaries will share insights I’ve learned along my path. I’ll cover an eclectic range of topics and allow this to evolve organically along with me. I greatly appreciate you coming along for the ride and am happy to receive feedback as well. We are all alone in this together. May the dhamma diaries help us both take the necessary steps toward our own enlightenment.
Big Love,
Bradley
dhamma diaries 